I learned today from someone who looked like Jon Lovitz that I am a visual person. That merely means that I don't like to talk to people, listen to them, or have any physical contact with them. I do like to observe people though, especially those who resemble Jon Lovitz.

I learned how to appreciate my appendages because it's disconcerting to watch someone eat seaweed salad using only toes.

I also learned, after being assessed further, that I am a C-person, characterized by precision, as opposed to being an achieving D, an extroverted I or a calm S. For those interested, this personality assessment system was formulated by American psychiatrist William Moulton Marston, the same guy credited with creating Wonder Woman. Incidentally, Wonder Woman would be more of an S-person, while Superman's personality would be more of a D, Batman's would be C, while Aquaman, as most fanboys have suspected, just doesn't have a personality to begin with.

I also learned that bowling is a game involving a heavy ball and ten clubs, with the object of the game being to knock the clubs down with the heavy ball by forcing the ball down an oiled stretch of wood paneling. After hurling the heavy ball several times, I realized that I didn't love my arms as much, because the repeated action pretty much left my left arm feeling like a gummi worm. I found out too that I wasn't a visually precise person after all, noting that I didn't have much coordination between my eyes and my arm. I do have very good hand-pancreas coordination, however, but until they come up with a game that requires that kind of dexterity, I won't be able to prove anything.

I only get to bowl every seven years or so, which is incidentally the average lifespan of dogs. This only corroborates my theory that I was a practicing dog Buddhist in my previous lifetimes, where bowling was not merely a game, but a ritual for sending beloved dogs into the canine afterlife (or canine resurrection, hence the recurring seven years). Buddhist dogs believe Nirvana to be a state of perfection, marked by successfully knocking down ten worldly obstacles at the end of an oiled stretch of wood paneling (the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel). It's also a state of smelling one's teen spirit, which in canine lingo, simply means sniffing one's own genitals during puberty. Sharply deviating from one's intended path can lead to canine hell, which I find weird considering that Buddhists do not have a concept of hell (it must be a dog thing). Being 'down in the gutters,' therefore, is a religious euphemism that religious dogs have been known to use, as only the Dalai Lassie is entitled to use the actual term. It is a little known fact that bowling actually originated from this ritual, back when humans in the general region of Tibet still haven't evolved out of understanding dog speech patterns. Bowling balls have since then been made out of ground dog bones out of respect to man's best friend and organized religion, with holes punched to resemble dog paw prints in prayer.

I sent more than twenty dogs to hell today and a single lucky soul to a state of Nirvana (and I have the sore body regions to prove it). My head feels about as heavy as a ball made of ground dog bones that's been used all afternoon to knock down worldly clubs at the end of an oiled stretch of wood paneling. A good day, all in all.

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